Words of Wisdom from Tracy Jordan: Part III

The fifth season of 30 Rock has ended and the recent news that the show won't be coming back until next January means that it'll be at least seven months before new episodes hit the air. So, in the meantime, here are the best lines from Tracy Morgan's character, Tracy Jordan, from the fifth season. As always, a big thanks to Aaron Cohen over at Unlikely Words for writing up every single thing that Tracy's character has said in the last year.

"I’m sorry, but my heart is playing tricks on my eyes, just like my kidneys did to my lungs that time."

"Am I going crazy again? Should I get my rainbow wig out of storage?"

"Don’t you miss rubbing my foot back into the shape of a foot?"

"There’s something about you lately. Make me want to put my feet in your mouth."

"If I was a real werewolf, I’d wear baggy clothes so my nice clothes wouldn’t get all torn up. Same rules for if I were the Hulk."

"I don’t get why people like brunch. What’s the benefit of combining breakdancing and lunch?"

"I remember going to the Statue of Liberty Centennial cause that year someone had spread a rumor that she was going to slip out of her toga and I wanted to see some green boobies."

"Tracy Jordan: Hero, husband, diabetic slash alcoholic."

"And thank you, Representative, what you’re doing is very important. I can assure you that NBC is committed to making diversity a priority. Then just walk away and don’t try to kiss her, Tracy. And don’t say that last part."

"I hate to bail, but I’ve been asked to do a commercial for the Boys & Girls Club of America, and I just can’t turn down community service. Because if I do, that judge will make me join the Coast Guard."

"I don’t watch the Macy’s Parade. If I want to see a 50 foot Spider-Man, I’ll just go into my rec room."

"Someone get me a Jolt Cola. It does not exist anymore."

"I’m sorry, I have an erection. I think it’s the sound of the skateboard."

"I Google myself all the time. Like when Angie’s not in the mood, or I’m alone in a hotel."

"If I won an Oscar, everyone would have to respect me. My obituary would read 'Oscar Winner' instead of 'Children’s Soccer Heckler.'"

"I think the better question is, ‘What isn’t an actor?’ A lamp. A couch. That mirror. Or a hidden pistol."

"As an actor, it is my job to tell the truth, hold a mirror to humanity, and sell Proactive."

"From now on, the only movies Tracy Jordan makes are about the Holocaust, Georgia O’Keefe, or both."

"Ladies of the battered women’s shelter, please be quiet, a man is talking."

"You’re about to watch a film that holds a mirror up to your own terrible lives. You’re gonna see poverty, drug abuse, and a bunch of babies having a hammer fight in a dumpster."

"Who will be there to raise my kids if I’m not around to pay someone to raise my kids?"

"If you need to make millions of dollars but have no real skills or education, the best place to do it is in entertainment."

"I can’t even find Mexico on a map."

"Every crazy A-Lister owns an island; Nicolas Cage, Celine Dion, Charles Widmore."

"I’m gonna get a sandwich and then eat it on the toilet."

"No, I wasn’t going to buy 2 blimps and crash them in to each other to see what sound they made."

"Five years ago, I saved your show. I rode in here on a white horse that you made me leave in the lobby."

"I have no reason to hug her other than my love of having boobs pressed against me."

"Actors deserve gifts. Without us, who would present awards to actors?"

"You taking my nephew’s virginity."

"The story begins when dolphins ruled the Earth."

"Why would you pretend to help Jack? Help him for real, it takes the same amount of time."

"Breakfast with Chuck Schumer? I don’t want to watch that guy eat. 5K homeless walk? That just seems cruel. Cornell commencement address? Sorry, but Tracy Jordan doesn’t do safety schools."

"Al Sharpton would denounce me in a press conference on the street, because Al Sharpton doesn’t have an office."

"This morning I taught the local school children all the words to 'Monster Mash.'"

"Don’t you think that this is bigger than all that? Like how an ant is much bigger than a smaller bug."

"Africa’s great. We got juju monsters, gumgum trees, and horseicorns, which is a unicorn with a horse’s head."

"Is this your only mustard? You still don’t have the one I’m thinking of. It’s red. It says ‘ketchup’ on it."

"I had everything I dreamed of. Awards, respect, Justin Long’s autograph."

"Sean Penn wanted me to go to Haiti with him, and I’m not strong enough for the pain and human misery of a three hour plane ride with Sean Penn. "

"Why don’t you shut your mouth, back that ass up, and make me a sandwich?"

"I didn’t go to Africa, I was hiding in a warehouse in Queens watching vintage pornography."

"I’m so beloved I can do no wrong. Now everyone’s after me. Unicef, the Gates Foundation, and what is Farm Aid? Is it a drink? Is it a truck? Is it a bandage you put on a barn? See, that’s the kind of lazy stand up I’ll never do again."

"I know you’ve been molested, that’s how we all got here, but I don’t want to hear about it."

"That’s crazy, a man name Elia. That’s a giraffe’s name."

"I’m sorry, I’m just trying to get people to stop respecting me."

"The Grimace Foundation, Jerry. Keeping milkshakes purple for over a thousand years."

"Get a rain machine. Look, here, take my credit card. Use it to break in to a special effects warehouse to steal one."

"Can I borrow a cup of sugar? I’m trying to get a humming bird to drink out of my penis."

"Hey, guys! It’s me, Tracy, the black guy from work!"

"Good thing you had to move out of that house. Some idiot rammed his boat that I was driving in to it."

WORDS OF WISDOM FROM TRACY JORDAN

Seasons 1-3 | Season 4 | Season 5