Sunday, August 30, 2009

Words of Wisdom from Tracy Jordan

Aaron Cohen over at Unlikely Words apparently spent his free time this summer watching a lot of 30 Rock because he's managed to write down every single word that Tracy Morgan's character, Tracy Jordan, has ever said on the show season-by-season. I've posted some of my favorites below but if you have the time you should definitely check out his posts since there are a lot more gems in there to read.

Season One

"Let me ask you a question, everyone at this table. Did he just say the word ‘pumpkin’ to me?"

"Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other. To distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets."

"Let me just say, I’m excited to be here. It’s an honor for you to meet me."

"This round, Texas Doozie. Face cards are wild. Threes are jinx. Fives are twos."

"You and me, it’s not gonna be a one-way street. Cause I don’t believe in one-way streets. Not between people, and not while I’m driving."

"Dress every day like you gonna get murdered in those clothes."

"I can’t read Liz Lemon. My shameful secret is out. Now you know why I’m always running into the ladies bathroom. I can’t read! I sign my name with an 'X!' I once tried to make mashed potatoes with laundry detergent! I think I voted for Nader! Nader!"

"It only looks like I’m walking out of a Starbucks, when actually I’m doing the robot going backwards INTO a Starbucks! And I don’t even know whose dog that is! Yes, I steal dogs."

"Me and my wife like to play rape. She go in the bathroom and do her hair. Then, I put on a ski mask..."

"I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who’s still got the biggest ding-dong."

"What else? What else is on my mind-grapes? I could talk about how the moon is a spy satellite put there by Oprah and Minister Farrakhan and not the Minister Farrakhan you’re thinking of. Who's that dude?"

"I wanna hold a mirror up to society and then win the world record for biggest mirror."

"As Professor Martin Luther King said, ‘I have a feeling.’"

"How would you like it if I did an impression of you, Liz Lemon? 'Hi, I’m Liz Lemon. I like to wear man shirts. Watch me skateboard.'"

"It’s like this, Pete. I love my wife. I love her. We’re a team. That’s why eight times a week, I go to the strip club. It brings me energy which I bring back to her."

"When you been married 17 years, you have to keep it spicy. That’s why me and my wife roleplay. She put on a Girl Scout outfit and a box of cookies and I answer the door in my boxers. Or I rent out a wheelchair and she pretends to be my caseworker."

"I’m not familiar with about half the words in that sentence."

"You know the Army be messing with the sun. That’s why I keep my junk covered. Once that stuff gets in your head, you’re done."

"I love this cornbread so much, I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant."

"Look, I am old school. Growing up, when you were mad at somebody, you just breakdance at ’em."

"If you get rich off of this stuff, just take care of my family. I don’t want my kids to have to go to college."

"I believe the moon doesn’t exist. I believe vampires are the world’s greatest golfers, but their curse is that they’ll never get to prove it. I believe there are 31 letters in the white alphabet."

"I need a loan to finance my Thomas Jefferson movie. It’s gonna be at least $30 million with all the claymation sex scenes in it."

"I’d rather die famous than live for a hundred years like this! Carrying plastic bags, sitting on benches, brushing my own teeth. This is unsuitable."

Season Two

"Yo, Ken, I’ma use this whole kitchen area as my bathroom, spread the word."

"So Labor Day weekend I see this young she-dude at the dumpster by the 40/40. I pull over and I say you don’t have to live your life like this. You can be a freaky-deaky and do data entry. What about court reporting? Believe in yourself."

"Angie got me up at 7:30 today. Did you know in the morning they have food, TV, almost everything? It’s pretty good."

"I’m sorry, Liz, this is who I am. You can’t ask a bird not to fly. You can’t ask a fish not to swim. You can’t ask a tiger not to turn back into a Chinese dude at midnight."

"All a hot party needs is mystique, a buzz. See, people are like lemmings. Harvey Lemmings, my lawyer, who never misses a party."

"Somebody on my block is making waffles and it’s making me horny."

"I get it. Romeo and Juliet. Capulets and Romulans. Mmmhmm. I been there. I’m black, she’s white, I’m black, she’s light skinned black, I’m black, she’s 17."

"Tell her that you want her privates and your privates to do a high five."

"You can’t wear blue in Knuckle Beach, which is hard because jeans go with everything."

"Would you call what we did last night sex?"

"I spent two days making that movie from my home and what did I get out of it? A million dollars, a yellow Bentley, and nothing."

"I spent nine months in Japan shooting Samurai Iamarai. I fell in love with their culture, especially sharking. It’s when you run up to a lady on the streets and pull her tubetop down while your friend video tapes it. It’s considered a crime here. Thanks a lot, Puritans."

"Shelly Long, you’re truly an inspiration to me, I know that."

"You let Jenna take off in the middle of the day? If she gets to do that, then I’m doing this week’s show as my alter-ego, Professor Cosmatothis."

"The holidays without drinking is rough. Turns out football is boring, my wife’s sister ain’t as cute as I thought she was, and I can not play the guitar."

"This is New York, the big easy, live a little! Boundaries are made to be tested, that’s why my wife and I stopped using a safe word."

"Hey, slow down there, Ken. Coffee is not like alcohol, it’s pretty addictive."

"Hell no. Black people supporting Republicans? Does hot support cold? Does rain support the Earth?"

"My fellow black Americans, Dr. King once had a dream, a dream that we all share, to build a 200 foot high wall to keep Mexico out. And he also hated the estate tax."

"I get it, the Republican party means less taxes, more guns, and the end of the gun tax."

"I got to do something important so that my children will respect me like be a senator or a wizard."

"My genius is come alive. Like toys when your back is turned."

"Liz Lemon, do these look like wizard nipples to you?"

Season Three

"I’d like to thank everyone involved for making my video game the most profitable thing since the war on terror!”

“I watched Boston Legal nine times before I realized it wasn’t a new Star Trek.”

“White people stole jazz, rock and roll, Will Smith, AND heart disease. Now they think they can take my hard earned money.”

“If it weren’t for your people I’d still be in Africa. Gorgeous, politically stable, Africa.”

“I haven’t seen Oprah since she did that episode about the worst celebrity dads.”

“That’s not me, that’s the Tracy Jordan Japanese sex doll. You can tell us apart because it's not suffering from a vitamin deficiency.”

“[Crying] We’re not really best friends, we’re just good friends!"

“Well, if all you want is a hug from a black person, maybe you should just host the Price is Right.”

"I owe you, Jackie D. When I’m on my deathbed frenching my wife, I will think of you.”

“There’s no link between diabetes and diet. That’s a white myth, Ken. Like Larry Bird or Colorado.”

“I’m saying the Disneyfication of New York is over, everyone. At the stroke of midnight, your Lexus is going to turn back into a hot pile of rats fighting over a human finger.”

"Love, peace, and hair grease!”

"You’re all so amazing. And to think I was just calling ya’ll a bunch of racists.”

"I do not apologize, America. I did not even write that apology. I am advertiser Tracy Jordan and I approve this message."

“This is better than a family. No one around here asks me for my damn bone marrow.”

"I was just thinking about how weird it is that we eat birds.”

"Friendship and trust in the entourage is the most important thing. Like that HBO show, John Adams.”

“Dotcom, that is a great idea. If you want everyone to think I own a gay lion."

“Come on in, Jack, I’m just practicing sitting.”

“I might hug people too hard and get lost in malls but I’m not an idiot.”

Seasons 1-3 | Season 4 | Season 5