Words of Wisdom from Tracy Jordan: Part II

Last summer Aaron Cohen over at Unlikely Words went through the first three seasons of 30 Rock and posted every single line that Tracy Morgan's character, Tracy Jordan, had ever said (you can view my favorites by clicking here).  Just a week after the end of the current season he's already transcribed all of Tracy's lines from season four and just like last time I'm posting my favorites. And, if you can't wait until season five, Tracy Morgan has released a memoir I Am the New Black full of similarly ridiculous comments about his experiences growing up as well as his time on SNL.

"Are you a large child or a small adult?"

"I will eat a bowl of cherries and some ghost meat in his honor."

"Liz Lemon, you are blowing up like a balloon with a grenade in it."

"Trying to get someone to move out? May I suggest what got my neighbors to move out? Black person moved in, scared them off."

"I gotta lot of good ideas. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take my son to my vasectomy because the Cosby Show lied to me and I cannot tell an amazing strip club story."

"Liz Lemon, recently I realized that I have a hole in my heart and not the one I got from eating batteries. It’s because I don’t have a daughter."

"That’s what religion is, KFed. Just a bunch of made up rules to manipulate people. Why don’t Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I'll tell you why. Because the Pope owns Long John Silver’s."

"I know it’s a girl, Liz Lemon, because I yelled 'Susan B. Anthony' at the moment of conception.

"But I’m not like that with my sons. When they were little, I threw them in the deep end of our pool. To help them get over their fear of sharks."

"We didn’t land on Plymouth Rock, Plymouth Rock landed on Mars!"

"Okay, I don’t mean to be the black guy at the movies, but, 'You better move, girl!'"

"It’s a real problem in the celebrity community, but if Beyonce simply answered one of my letters I’d stop trying to break into her house."

"On Valentine’s Day, Angie and I rent a room with a heart-shaped hot tub and cook chili in it. Then we take it to soup kitchen and that’s when it starts to get sexy!"

"My wild and sexually adventurous image is how I make my money, Liz Lemon. I start losing my endorsements, Angie’s gonna be madder than a bat in a suitcase. Uh oh, which reminds me. Gordon?"

"But it’s like a black Barbie Doll in Arizona, nobody’s buying it."

"I had a dream that Kenneth and I got intimate in a portable Jacuzzi. It was crazy, glistening black and white skin. It looked like a close up of a killer whale being born."

"Get ready, son. All you’ve ever known is your affirmative action job and Queen Latifah Covergirl commercials."

"You can play it off, but I know that you’re all secretly mad that we finally have a black Disney princess."

"Of course not, the Aryan hates and fears the African man. As we so clearly saw in the Blade movies."

"Well, I yelled 'Baba Booey' at Walter Cronkite’s funeral, so I actually have no idea of what’s rude or not."

"Oh, I forgot to warn you about my dog, Tracy, Sr. I trained him to hate white people because, not to profile, but most ghosts are white. This is my boy here. And look what Angie did to him, she set up an invisible fence. He gets shocked if he tries to leave the property. Just because he’d run away and cause car accidents and impregnate neighbors horses, he’s trapped here just like me."

"This is bad because I can’t change. I’m like a chameleon, always a lizard."

"'Um, I haven’t decided yet.' You sound like my mother talking to the Planned Parenthood lady."

"No, Griz’ fiancé is name Feyonce, like Beyonce with an 'F.'"

"I want to see a list of names. Like when they was looking for John McCain’s running mate. Hahaha. I’m kidding, this needs to be taken seriously."

"I am a movie star, a television actor, and the Guinness Book of World Records holder for most car accidents in a single year."

"It’s all coming back to...oh my God. I slept on an old dog bed stuffed with wigs! I watched a prostitute stab a clown! Our basketball hoop was a ribcage! A ribcage!"

"You haven’t walked in my shoes! All my life I’ve tried to forget the things I’ve seen. A crackhead breast-feeding a rat! A homeless man cooking a Hot Pocket on a third rail of the G train! The G train, Nermal! There’s something inside of me that needs to come out, and if Garfield 3: Feline Groovy can’t tell my story then I’ll win my Oscar elsewhere or I’ll die trying."

"I’ve seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child’s shoe in it! I’ve seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy’s! The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in were named after Zachary Taylor, generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time! I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo! They were very drunk!"

"Do a sloppy job and they’ll leave you alone. That’s how I got out of doing foreplay with Angie. And my taxes."

WORDS OF WISDOM FROM TRACY JORDAN

Seasons 1-3 | Season 4 | Season 5