"I’m sorry, but my heart is playing tricks on my eyes, just like my kidneys did to my lungs that time."
"Am I going crazy again? Should I get my rainbow wig out of storage?"
"Don’t you miss rubbing my foot back into the shape of a foot?"
"There’s something about you lately. Make me want to put my feet in your mouth."
"If I was a real werewolf, I’d wear baggy clothes so my nice clothes wouldn’t get all torn up. Same rules for if I were the Hulk."
"I don’t get why people like brunch. What’s the benefit of combining breakdancing and lunch?"
"I remember going to the Statue of Liberty Centennial cause that year someone had spread a rumor that she was going to slip out of her toga and I wanted to see some green boobies."
"Tracy Jordan: Hero, husband, diabetic slash alcoholic."
"And thank you, Representative, what you’re doing is very important. I can assure you that NBC is committed to making diversity a priority. Then just walk away and don’t try to kiss her, Tracy. And don’t say that last part."
"I hate to bail, but I’ve been asked to do a commercial for the Boys & Girls Club of America, and I just can’t turn down community service. Because if I do, that judge will make me join the Coast Guard."
"I don’t watch the Macy’s Parade. If I want to see a 50 foot Spider-Man, I’ll just go into my rec room."
"Someone get me a Jolt Cola. It does not exist anymore."
"I’m sorry, I have an erection. I think it’s the sound of the skateboard."
"I Google myself all the time. Like when Angie’s not in the mood, or I’m alone in a hotel."
"If I won an Oscar, everyone would have to respect me. My obituary would read 'Oscar Winner' instead of 'Children’s Soccer Heckler.'"
"I think the better question is, ‘What isn’t an actor?’ A lamp. A couch. That mirror. Or a hidden pistol."
"As an actor, it is my job to tell the truth, hold a mirror to humanity, and sell Proactive."
